I used to really love my job. I still try to tell myself that I do... but I don't. Not really. Not anymore.
You see, I teach people how to kill other people... and I don't like it anymore.
In my career field, there are certainly thousands upon thousands of people that would literally kill to do what I do (and get paid well to do it). After all, I wear comfortable clothes to work. I have interesting and expensive guns to use; I have all the ammunition that I could possibly hope to shoot; I can shoot practically as much as I want.... and get paid for it. What more could a gun geek want?
Sure, I do this for Uncle Sam... that's supposed to make it better. It doesn't. I am supposed to feel good about it because if my students apply violence properly it may save their lives or the lives of innocents. I tell myself that the people that would get shot as a result of my teaching would be "bad guys". That helps... but only so much.
I'm getting tired of this.
I'd like to do something else. but I have a problem. I am 42 and all I really know how to do (that I can make a living at) is shoot. No kidding, you really CAN make a living like that. I'm what my Drill Instructors in the Marine Corps called a "natural shooter"... put a gun in my hand and I can make it work rapidly, efficiently, and accurately. It doesn't matter if it is a pistol, rifle, shotgun or heavy machine gun. It's kind of weird.
So today, I am going to teach a group of 20 Agents, Officers, and Deputies, how to most efficiently shoot people at close range.
My heart isn't in it anymore.
The hell of it that I am really good at what I do. No... I mean really good at it.
I guess a therapist would nod sagely at all of this and tell me that I am "conflicted" and that I need to "seek other employment options". S/he would be right, but that wouldn't mean a damned thing when the mortgage was due.
Anybody out there want to hire a nice guy to do odd jobs?
I promise to leave my gun at home.