Did you watch the Emmy Awards, Sunday night? No? Well, I did, so you didn't have to.
If you have been reading for awhile, you know that TV-wise, I love nothing so much as an award show... unless it is watching some skull-busting, hard-hitting rugby. So, last night, I got prepared, and settled in to watch the prime-time Emmy awards.
I'd like to state for the record that as much as I dislike Ryan Secrest, I give him credit for doing not only his radio show and American Idol, but this guy actually worked the Red Carpet for the pre-Emmy show. He might be an irritationg girly-man, but he gets full credit for the work ethic.
So Secrest starts the show right in time with some really stupid animated bit from some show I never watch... a little kid that talks like a sophisticated adult, and a talking dog. It was wasted on me.
The show is being presented in the round... it seems a little strange to me, but what the hell, right? It's television...
Secrest launches right into girly-man territory by talking fashion with Eva Longoria & Terry Hatcher... she of the phony relationship, and made-for-papparazzi kiss. They gush about designers in a weird way, before Secrest gets William Shatner in on the act. Mildly amusing, but let's move on.
Ryan introduces Ray Romano only four minutes into the show, as a presenter, but then Romano launches into some weird stand-up routine... 10 seconds of which is blanked out... dead air. It turns out he used the word "screw" while he was talking about his former costar, Patty Heaton's new show... geez.
So... stand-up routine finished they get to the first award at 8:11, with the award for Supporting actor in a comedy, which is won by Jeremy Piven, for Entourage. Good for him, but, to tell you the truth, I don't watch his show, nor do I watch the shows of the other nominees... so, whoopee!
Next, America Ferrera and Vanessa Williams present Best Supporting Actor in a drama. I care a bit more about this category, as William Shatner is nominated for his role of Denny Crane in Boston Legal... which is odd, because I never thought of that show as a drama... I mean, how could you? Anyway, Terry O'Quinn, from Lost gets the award. While O'Quinn gave his speech, the cameras cut to his wife at least three times... which worked well for me, because, while Terry O'Quinn might be a fine actor (and I wouldn't know since I have never seen Lost, his wife had spectacular rackage. Really! I need to throw in another aside here: America Ferrera looked great. I don't mean that in a "Oh-I-Loved-Her-Dress" kind of way. No, no. America was HOT!
Next up were Julia Louis Dreyfuss and Tina Fey presented Jamie Pressly with the Best Supporting Actress in a comedy for My Name Is Earl (Nope, I haven't seen that one, either... um, are you noticing a trend?)
By this time, things are moving quite well, it was 8:25, and things are moving right along. Kyle Chandler (whoever the hell he is) and Kathrine Heigl, presented the Best Supporting Actor in a movie or minisereis award to Thomas Hayden Church for Broken Trail... a western, which was apparently, really good. Nothing much to say here, except for the fact that the announcer mispronounced Heigl's name as "Hey-jel". Kathrine corrected the announcer ("actually, it's high-gull"), as soon as she got to the microphone.
Next was a commercial for Audi. Some crap trying to convince me that buying an Audi is smart because they are safe. NEWSFLASH: THERE ARE NO SAFE CARS. NONE.
INTERLUDE: TIME TO FOLD LAUNDRY (don't you love TiVo?)
Next, Ellen DeGeneres (whom I love) introduced a montage of political one-liners. Funny enough, but let's move on, shall we?
It's time for the Best Supporting Actress in a drama. Presenting the award to Kathrine Heigl (the chastened announcer pronounced it right, this time) are Eva Longoria and the cast of Entourage.
Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jon Cryer present the Best Writing for a comedy to the Conan O'Brien Show, before Christina Aguilera and Tony Bennett do an unlikely duet, singing "Steppin' Out" Now, you know me, folks: I'm not afraid to say something hurtful when I need to, and this is one of those times. You see, as much as I enjoy Tony Bennet's music, and I truly do, it is time for Mr Bennett to go away gracefully. He is 80 years old, and, God Bless him, he can't sing like he used to. No, I don't expect him to, since he is 80 years old... but some of last night's notes made it a little difficult for me to feel good about the performance. Take a bow, Tony, and bow out!
In a not very subtle segue, Tony Bennett, An American Classic won the next award (it was a big night for him). Alec Baldwin, wearing a white Dinner Jacket, presented the award for Best Director for a music or variety, to the assembled directors of Bennett's music special. Bennett's son made a speech, and when Tony started to ramble like a consufsed old man, they started the music and off they went.
Next up were Kiefer Sutherland and Ali Larter (who, like Debra Messing, is spectactularly flat-chested), with the award for Best Lead Actor in a miniseries or movie, which went to Robert Duvall, for Broken Trail. Duvall is one of my favorite actors, going all the way back to his great role as Colonel Kilgore, in Apocalypse Now, in 1979. Unfortunately, Mr. Duvall got a little long-winded while he talked about westerns and he got themusic, too. Bye Robert!
By now it is 10 minutes after 9, and I have to take another pause to fold laundry, while Ryan Secrest makes a Vanessa Hudgens joke.
Next, Queen Latifah introduces several members of the cast of the miniseries Roots, which is celebrating it's 30th anniversary this year. The cast will be presenting the award for Best Miniseries, but before they do, the cast members each speak briefly about what the show meant to them, or others... with the original music from the miniseries playing in the background. Louis Gossett, Jr. said that the whole experience of the miniseries was still moving for him. I have to report that seeing those film clips from Roots, along with the music was moving for me, too. Not as much for the subject matter but for the memories they evoked of a certain thirteen year old boy in Union, New Jersey, and how the miniseries made him feel, then.
I was in jr high school at the time, and for that entire week, all of the black kids in school were practically numb. I don't think I can adequately explain it right now. Someone remind me to revisit this soon, ok?
OK, so the cast of Roots presented the Best Miniseries award to Broken Trail... and Duvall got the music again.
After this, it was time for Neil Patrick Harris and Hayden Panitierre to give and award for something... I don't really remember what it was, to tell you the truth, my notes are handwritten, and a little less than neat. Anyway, the young Ms Panitierre is a beautiful child... but if you think I am going to use words like sexy or hot, in connection with her name, you are wrong. Why? because she is the same age as my oldest child. Your pal Gunfighter may be a little odd to some, but I don't perv like that!
Where was I?
Oh. Allen Taylor and David Chase won the awards for Best Director for a drama and Best Writing for a drama, respectively, for The Sopranos
Steve Carrel was next, presenting the award to The Daily Show, for best musical or variety show. Can I just take a moment to tell you that I don't theink he is funny? Thank you.
Ghostly pale Marcia Cross and Mark Harmon presented the Best Supporting Actress in a movie or miniseries award to Judy Davis for The Starter Wife.
I took another break to fold laundry, here... because some creep was on, talking about how television helps the world.
Glen Close, Mary Louise Parker and Kyra Sedgewick, presented another award to Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee. Great. Didn't see THAT either
Ok, it got a little interesting for a few minutes here, as Joe Mantegna introduced The Jersey Boys... a tribute group to Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons (who I have always enjoyed), as a prelude to the Emmy Award triubute to The Sopranos. I enjoyed the music... I would go see this show if it ever came through DC.
OK, then we get the cast of The Sopranos for great big audience blowjob that they are supposed to get for being so good... personally, I never saw the appeal. Bye, Tony... don't let the doorknob hit you in the ass.
Now we get to Best Actress in a movie or miniseries, presented by Sally "The Flying Nun" Field and Patrick Dempsey.
Ahem. So, the lovely Helen Mirren wins the award. I love Helen Mirren, I do. I bet she would be a shag and a half.... but I digress. Ms. Mirren said that she was going to talk until they plaed the music on her, and proceeded to go on at length at her admiration for Americans (thank you, Helen, we love you Brits, too). She continued to talk, but the music didn't play. I suppose that just goes to show you, iconic American performers like Robert Duvall and Tony Bennett get played off, and as soon as the flag-waving mutual admiration society starts a metaphorical USA-USA chant, they won't make her shut up. Hmm. No matter, I still love you, Helen... I just wonder about some things.
It's 10 P.M. now, and Masi Oka, from Heroes introduces a new category: Creative Achievement in Interactive Televison. Al Gore and Joel Hyatt, of Current TV, accept the award.
Does anyone here know who Brad Garrett is? I have never heard of him, which is no great surprise... but he was the guy who came out next with Joely Fisher's breasts... er, with Joely Fisher. Ms Fisher, resplendent (isn't that a great word?) in a yellow cleavage baring dress, proceeded to make nipple jokes and a Senator Craig joke, before she and her co-presenter gave the Best Individual Performance in a variety or musical award to .... Tony "I wonder if they'll play the music on me again" Bennett (they did).
This is getting long... so I am skipping some dull bits and moving on to Ryan Secrest, who then came out in some weird Henry The VIII costume, and made a joke about how gay it looked. The joke fell flat, Ryan.
O Lord! Please make this end! As much as I love award shoews, they tend to get really dull in the last hour... this one was no different. I think I'll have a drink, now. I was gratified that James Gandolfini didn't get an award for his work as Tony Soprano. Not that I have anything against Gandolfini, but I'm a little tired of the hooplah surrounding this show. Having said that, I am particularly pleased that James Spader did get the award for Best Actor in a drama, for his work as quirky, kinda pervy, but brilliant lawyer, Alan Shore on Boston Legal (Yay! A show I watch!). Spader accepted the award from Kate Walsh, who looked quite splendid in her slinky red dress.
In a stunning upset, 30 Rock won the award for Best Comedy Series! Let's hear it for the little guy!
Next, Sally Field recieved the award for Best Actress in a Drama Series, from Hugh Laurie and Felicity Huffman. During her acceptance, she uttered these words, which were bleeped by FOX: "Let’s face it: If the mothers ruled the world, there would be no goddamn wars in the first place."
EDITORIAL NOTE: You know something? We're grownups. If we can casusally talk about people being murdered here at home, or killed in an immoral war, every night on the night on the fucking news..., hearing to ocassional vulgar word that slips out on an award show shouldn't really scorch anyone's ears. I can't tell you how glad I will be when this current crop of dirtbags leaves Washington. Censorship has become the only real function of the FCC.
Helen Mirren presented the final award for Best Drama Series to The Sopranos, in a complete anit-climax. OK, Sopranos people, get your asses up on stage, get your award and get out of my badda-bing sight!
So there it is, folks... my Emmy recap.
I wish this show was as much fun as award shows can sometimes be, but it was fairly dull. I suppose that is my own fault. I might have found the show to be a little less tedious if I had any attachment to more than one of these shows, but there you have it.