Monday, November 13, 2006

Funny (In-House) Police Stereotypes


Narcotics units

Immediately grow facial hair, tell everybody you were ordered to.
Start watching every episode of Monster Garage.
Buy a biker wallet with a big chain.
Make every case involve overtime $$$.
Buy bunches of boats, RV's, and motorcycles with that overtime.
Learn to play golf drunk.

SWAT units

Wear team T-shirts, Oakley sunglasses and boots everyday.
Try to fit the word breach in to every conversation.
Have a mirror handy to check hair, if you have hair.
Never say hello to anyone who is not an operator, just practice your
SWAT head nod.
Subscribe to Soldier of Fortune and Muscle and Fitness.
Learn to play golf wearing a gun.

Community Service units:

Hate SWAT.
Work to make everybody love you.
Paint your office in pastel colors.
Think Feng Shui.
Subscribe to Psychology Today.
Learn to play miniature golf.

Traffic units:

Write tickets to EVERYBODY.
Spend every weekend cleaning your bike and polishing boots.
Annoy everyone on the radio calling out your stops.
Talk about nothing but how many tickets you wrote in one day.
Ride by a building with big windows to see your reflection.
Golf is lame, motor rodeos are cool.

Administrative Units:

Three-hour lunches everyday, tell everybody it's a "meeting".
Upgrade department cell phone every month.
Tell everybody you are published in a national law enforcement magazine.
Update your revenge list on a weekly basis.
Golf Rules! Play lots of golf.

Patrol Units:

Has nerves of steel.
In a terminal state of nausea from department politics.
Inability to keep mouth shut.
Has defining tastes in alcohol.
Is respected by peers.
Beats the crap out of his caddy on any bogeyed shot


Come in at 0800
"Breakfast" from 0815 to 1030
Work from 1030 to Noon
Noon to 1400 Work out and Lunch
1400-1700 Talk about how many girlfriends you have and how the wife doesn't know.
Plan your next RV, fishing, motorcycle trip.

Patrol Sergeant:

Remembers very well "how we used to do do it."
Always willing to tell his officers the above.
Tries to fit the word "liability" in to every sentence.
Talks about "what he's hearing from upstairs."


Unable to grow facial hair.
Watches every episode of Cops.
Worships the ground the SWAT guys walk on.
Arrives for work three hours early.
Thinks the sergeant is thrilled to see him.
Won't drink on the golf course because it violates the open container ordinance.


Shave head

Grow goatee (unless you want to be a management
weenie, then make sure you are clean shaven, with short almost
military style haircut).

Wear 5.11 pants, and polo with agency logo (unless you want to be
a management weenie, then make sure you always have a shirt and pants to which a jacket and tie can be quickly added for when the boss might be around).

Arrive at work at 8AM, spend one hour answering useless emails, and 30
minutes checking your retirement investments. Then go with another
agent to Starbucks "to discuss your a new case."

After participating in your first warrant service (as outside cover)
make plans to join the agency SRT,SWAT, etc, to "properly utilize your superior tactical skills."

After doing your first buy bust, immediately begin asking the boss
about "long term undercover" jobs.

Refuse to play golf with "the locals."

New Corrections Officers:

Show up for work 15 minutes early
Buy only the best ink pens (Pilot G-2)
Wear T-Shirts of your "dream department" under your uniform

Wear a full duty belt of gear even though you have to remove: gun,
baton, spare magazines, knife, cell phone, and BUG when you arrive at the facility

Become friends with every local police officer

Continue eating too much and not exercising


Tasha said...

I showed this to my step-sister who is a NYPD detective and she got a kick out of it. She said that unfortunately there is some truth in a lot of those stereotypes.

Gunfighter said...

Yeah, no kidding...

Could your sister tell that this was probably written by a Patrol Officer?

Sister Mary Lisa said...

This was hilarious! Too funny. I'll have to copy it to my hubby's cousin who is a cop.