Welcome to Award Show hell.
You all know that I love award shows... I don't even mind if you find it odd. It's just one of my things.
What I love about award shows is essentially the same thing that I love about "reading" tabloid magazines. I am always waiting for the supreme moment when some celebrity says the most awful thing, or trips and falls flat on their face on the red carpet. I can't wait to talk about the awful clothes that they sometimes where (remember Bjork a few years ago?), or when the host is trying to be funny and all of his jokes tank (Letterman a few years ago). Anyway, award shows are big fun for me, and the Oscars are usually the best of them all... until last night.
My recap was done in real time as I watched this interminable show. The edits are mostly for style and typo-correction. Try to enjoy this... it will take a LOT less time to read than it did to watch.
It's Oscar Night, my friends! Oscar night, the night of the most important award show of the season. So you KNOW that your pal Gunfighter has to bring you all of the news, comments and smartass repartee to which you have become accustomed.
Let's not waste any time… let's get right to it.
The show opens with an oh-so-cute montage of honorees talking about being nominated… it is mildly amusing, but mostly irritating.
Host Ellen DeGeneres makes her entrance, and being true to herself, wears pants (actually a maroon velvet tuxedo), and eschews high heeled shoes. She looks comfortable, and relaxed.
Her first joke: "there are A lot of British nominees tonight… would I say "too many?", not here, not tonight" HAHAHA.
Hey! Jack Nicholson is in the crowd! I love that guy!
Ellen does a funny joke about Al Gore which was sort of funny and then talks about the diversity of the nominees and then says: "If there were no blacks jews or gays, there would be no Oscars… or anyone named Oscar, for that matter" Huh?
OK, I think Ellen is starting to tank already... and then we get this brief I-think-it-was-supposed-to-be-funny gospel choir musical number, which WASN'T funny and was mercifully brief.
Great, it is time for the first presenters! Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig are presenting the award for best Art direction or something like that... does anyone really care about awards like this? Quick, without Google or a search engine, someone tell me the name of the art director of "Titanic"... see what I mean? Anyway, Nicole looks great in that red dress, even though I think she is too skinny, and her accent sounds more British than Australian, whats up with that? By the way, I haven't seen "Casino Royale" yet, but Daniel Craig looks and sounds like a James Bons should... if that James Bond isn't Sean Connery, that is. Oh... the art director for "Pan's Labyrinth" won the award.
Maggie Gyllenhall is next. I like her. She announced the awards for some high-tech visual effects. Great. Moving on.
Commercial break time, and we cut to the announcers, sitting at a table: "I'm Don LaFontaine", the man says "and I'm Tina Tuttle" says the lady, "and these are the Oscars!", they say together (no shit... like we'd be looking at you otherwise?!) Hey, Don LaFontaine... he is the guy from the movies! (and the GEICO commercials). If you are reading this from outside of the United States, ask me what I mean, if you don't understand.
NOTE: My analytical program tells me that quite a few people from the United Kingdon, France, Ukraine, Japan, Singapore, China, Iran (of all placecs), Australia and New Zealand, are reading my blog. So, I'd like to ask that those who are reading this from foreign lands (except for those that are hackers from China, Iran, and Ukraine, you guys can pound sand) Do me a favor, would you?: de-lurk and say hello!
Next, we have Will Ferrel and Jack Black with a musical number about funny men and the Oscars. Funny!
OK, achievenemt in makeup… again, do we really care? The guys that did the makeup for "Pan's Labyrinth" win. Huzzah.
Next are two kids… Will Smith's Kid and some girl who was in little miss sunshine or something, I think. They present the award for best animated short… some film that none of us have probably heard of called the "Danish poet". They also present the award for best live action short for a film called "West Bank Story". I haven't heard of it, but it looks like fun!!!!! Apparently it is a musical short a la "West Side Story", about Israelis and Palestinians. Director Ari Sandel waxes eloquent about the hope of peace and hope. Well done.
Greg Kinnear and Steve Carrel present the award for sound editing. Bub Asman, and Alan Robert Murray, for "Letters From Iwo Jima".
James McEvoy, and Jessica Biels present the sound mixing award to the staff for "Dreamgirls".
Hello? Ellen? Can we please have at leat ONE acting award in the first hour??? Jesus!
Next, Pretty Rachel Weiss presents the Best Supporting Actor award (D'you think Ellen heard me?) to.... Alan Arkin, for Little Miss Sunshine. No kidding. I really didn't see that coming. I didn't see any of these movies, but I have to tell you, that I really thought that Jackie Earl Hailey would win... but that just might be because we were about the same age when he was in "The Bad News Bears". Many people thought that Eddie Murphy would win this award... and as many thought that the release of the apparently horrible "Norbit" torpedoed his chances. Hey, the Oscars aren't always about talent, folks. As an aside, Mrs Gunfighter really hated Little Miss Sunshine... I don't do cute kid movies.
Randy Newman and James Taylor sing "Our Town", nominated as best song in "CARS". Randy Newman looks so OLD! When did that happen?
Next, Melissa Ethereidge sings "I Need To Wake UP" From "An inconvenienet Truth"
I have to say that both of these songs were enough to euthanize a Rhino!
Leonardo DiCaprio and Al Gore are on next, and talk about the fact that the Oscars has gone "green". See www.oscar.com for ways you can go green. DiCaprio tries to get Gore to announce Presidential bid.
Best Animated Feature is presented by Cameron Diaz. Is it just me? I don't think that she is all that good looking. As a matter of ofact, I think that Ms. Diaz looks kinda like a frog. Anyway, Geroge Miller wins for Happy Feet.
Helen Mirren and Tom Hanks present the award for for besat adapted screen play to William Monahan for "The Departed". Now say what you want, 61 years old or no, Helen Mirren is hot. Deal with it.
Emily Blunt and Anne Hathaway present the costume design award to Milina Canonero, for "Marie Antoinette". Note to Anne Hathaway: Never stand on stage next to Emily Blunt again. Emily makes you look sickly.
Tom Cruise (remember him?) gives a special award to Sherri Lansing.
Gwyneth Paltrow gives the cinematography award to Guillermo Navarro for "Pan's Labyrtinth". (this movie must be visually stunning... it is nominated in all sorts of artsy-fartsy categories)
These people really need to move along… I'm getting tired and it is getting late.
Cate Blancehett and Clive Owen are next. Germany wins best foreing language film for "The Lives of Others". Cate Blanchett is smokin'! I don't know what it is about her... but I like it.
George Clooney gets to present for best supporting actress. Jennifer Hudson wins for "Dreamgirls". Ms. Hudson has the best figure that I have seen all night.
...and in the commercial… we learn that "Dancing With The Stars" will be back on March 19th.
Jerry Seinfeld presents for best documentary feature to Al Gore for "An Inconvenient truth". Al Gore was very gracious, and very brief. I love that guy... he would have been President if he hadn't been so wimpy... which is a story for antoher time, I reckon.
Clint Eastwood gives an award to a chap named Marconi for musical scoring or something like that. Marconi accepts the award and gives his speech in Italian, which Eastwood translates. If you watched this, did it look to you like Eastwood was somewhat impaired?
O Lord… Can we get on with it please? I'm missing The L Word for this! (good thing I have TiVo!)
Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst, present for original screenplay. They come on stage to the theme song from the 1967 Spiderman Cartoon. Don't you love that song? What do you mean you don't know it? Go HERE. Little Miss Sunshine wins.
Jennifer Lopez comes on to introduce Beyonce and Jennifer Hudson & company, to do songs from "Dreamgirls". Jennifer Hudson blows out Beyonce'! That girl can sing.
John Travolta and Queen Latifah present the award for best song in a Motion Picture. Melissa Etheridge wins for the song from an "Inconvenient truth".
Finally, while I am really struggling to stay awake and coherent, Helen Mirren wins best actress wins for "The Queen" Cool!
Reese Witherspoon is on now... why? I don't know, I am trying to stay awake. I'll tell you this, though: I am not a Witherspoon fan. I think that she looks like "The
Joker" from the Batman comic books. Am I the only one that thinks she has an oddly pointed chin?
Best Actor goes to Forest Whitaker, for "The Last King of Scotland" Hoorayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! I'm looking forward to seeing this movie... I have heard that it is really great.
Martin Scorsese wins best director for "The Departed".
Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton (oddball) present the best picture award to "The Departed".
Thank God! I can go to bed now.
What a waste of time, friends... No real Faux Pas' (other than Ellen suggesting that Penelope Cruz is Mexican... not Spanish). The awards were boring. The presenters were boring. No real surprises. NOTHING. Talk about pissed off!
I was robbed.