Monday, December 18, 2006

Gunfighter Meets Newt Gingrich

Some months ago, I promised to tell Zanne the story of when I met Newt Gingrich.

So here it is, Zanne, just for you (and anybody else that wants to read what I write... all four of you):

Gunfighter Meets Newt Gingrich:

Arrr... Call me Ishmael. Er, wrong story, sorry.

T'was in the cold, wet, dark days of January, two thousand ought five. I was advised to cancel the evening class that Iwas going to be teaching in close quarters pistol combat, because former Speaker-of-The-House Newt Gingrich would be in the building, to tape part of a documentary that he was making for.... FOX NEWS (real surprise there, eh?). The documentary was titled: American Gangs - Ties To Terror?

Of course, the bosses weren't terribly happy about the expletives that immediately left my mouth when I heard that we were actually going to suspend our own training just to kiss up to some pain-in-the-ass, has-been politician.

Being the fine fellow that I am, and knowing that swimming against some tides is futile, I, and my partner, the estimable Harold, made ready to host Newt and company.

As it turns out, everyone arrived on time, and all were about as pleasant as can be. Newt had some questions about the type of training we conduct (all off-camera, of course) and then they were going to start filming. Here is the kicker: As it turned out, all they wanted to film was Newt in a poorly lit alley, next to a concrete wall. Being in the icy throes of January, the weather wasn't all that cooperative... meaning, it was too cold for Newt to film the 15 seconds of dialogue, that he needed to do. Since Newt didn't want to be cold, his people called some people, who called some people where I work and said: "Hey! don't you guys have an indoor range with variable lighting?" and a plan was formed.

OK, bad enough that Newt is a pansy for wanting to do this, but he wanted to do it on my range! To make matters worse, the bosses decided to get one of our agents, who knows a bit about gang graffiti, to spray paint my walls with all sorts of gang tags from the infamous MS-13.

OK, now I'm irritated... we are going to voluntarily deface government property so Newt Gingrich can film a self-aggrandizing TV spot? I was pretty pissed off about this, and I told the bosses about my thoughts on the subject.... they didn't listen, but did tell me that they would get all of it painted over right away, which made me feel better.

Until the next morning.

I asked the bosses when I could call the maintenance people to schedule that wall for painting... and do you know what the answer was?

Do you?

"Sorry, GF, we don't have anymore budget for stuff like that this year!"

You Moth*******rs!

Well, a few weeks later, I got a nice note on Gingrich's official stationary, thanking me for my efforts, it reads:

"Inspector Gunfighter,

Thank you for all of your help with "American Gangs - Ties to Terror". It was a great pleasure taping this project, and I could not have done it without your support and assistance.

Again, thank you for all of your hard work on this worthwhile project."

It was signed: Sincerely, Newt Gingrich

Well, just kiss my ass!

That letter now hangs on my office wall in a place of honor... right under the photo of a beaming Gunfighter, meeting Bill Clinton for the first time!

Addendum: After several months of waiting to get my wall painted, I went to Wal-Mart, bought the paint, and did it myself.


Tasha said...

That's too hilarious. I can't imagine why Newt wouldn't have wanted to do that spot somewhere in Southeast. *rolls eyes* And it's a shame that you had to paint the wall yourself!

Gunfighter said...

Well, my friend, if you want something done right....

As for Newt and Southeast DC... I don't really see it.

Leslie said...

I guess it would have been uncouth to respond to his thank you note with a bill for the paint, huh?

Gunfighter said...

That would have been great, Leslie... the problem is that my bosses would have gotten wind of it for sure.

I would likely pay a price that wouldn't warrant the risk.

Zanne said...

That was brilliant--writing and actions! :)
Thanks for telling us the story!

Zanne said...

OMGOSH They're letting my comments go through again! HUZZAH!

Janet M. Kincaid said...

How I ironic that we would both blog about Newt today.

What I want to know is, did your bosses reimburse you for the cost of the paint?

As for Newt: what a twit.

WordsRock said...

A letter from you. In response to his thank you note. Explaining the circumstances of your defaced wall. A true politician woulda sent some paint.

Interesting tale!

Grimm said...

Freaking hilarious that he was too cold to do the outside spot.

Not so hilarious that they were willing to graffiti your range as a replacement.

Just saying that name makes me think bad things.

"Don't be such a Newt."

Gunfighter said...

"What I want to know is, did your bosses reimburse you for the cost of the paint?"


Anali said...

Unbelievable! Several more reasons not to like the guy.

Bent Fabric said...

I so love your writing. Very riveting.

Bill said...
This comment has been removed by the author.