Wednesday, January 10, 2007

When I am King...

Things are going to be different in this country.... you can bet your ass on that!

When I am King...

Susan will be our National Historian.

Condi Rice will have to go away. Far away.

The United States will be signatory to the Kyoto accords.

I'll wear a kilt pretty much every day.

The following persons will be executed: Justin Timberlake, Madonna, Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Anniston, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, The Olsen twins, Snoop Dogg, Dr. Dre, Diddy, Jared Leto, Pam Anderson, Kid Rock, Matthew McConnoughey (sp?), and Paula Abdul.

At least one Regiment in the U.S. Army will wear kilts... even in combat.

No AK 47-styled rifle will be legal for import into the United States. We don't need that poorly-made Commie crap here!

DARPA will have, as it's first priority, the mission of designing a practical, viable, relatively easy-to-produce hydrgen automobile engine. Said design will then be given, free of charge, to all U.S. auto makers. The internal combustion engine for personal automibiles will be proscribed 5 years after that.

There will be no organized prayer or moments of silence in public schools.

All parents will be encouraged to take personal responsibility for the religious training of their own children.

Rugby will replace football in all aspects (local, high-school, collegiate, and professional). Players that grandstand will be imprisoned.

People who abuse children will be executed. No parole, no counseling, no second chances, no rehabilitation.

See the above for men who abuse women. Likewise for all sex offenders.

Nancy Grace will never darken the television again, nor will Larry King.

Rogue athletes will be imprisoned, alongside of rogue politicians cops and clergy.

There will be a pogrom against loopy, Southern Baptist, fundamentalist, snake-handling churches.

The Republican party will be outlawed.

William Shatner will have a standing invitation to the White House any time he wants.

The Confederate flag will be removed from all public property... damned traitors!

My blogging pals will get massive tax breaks.

Corporations will pay their fair share of taxes.

Marriage will be between one man and one woman... or between a man and a man, or two women, or two men and one woman, whatever... married people will pay married taxes.

Texans will have to remain in Texas... but there will be exceptions for eb, Kelley, and a very few others.

Puerto Rico will be granted statehood if a referundum passes such a measure. Failing such a referendum, Puerto Rico will be freed from it's Commonwealth status and will be on it's own forevermore.

Guam and other U.S. Commonwealths will be given the opportunity for Statehood. If they decline, we will wish them good luck and send them on their merry way.

Japan and Europe will have to start paying for more of their onw security.

The United States will support the independence of Taiwan... militarily, if we have to.

"The Raven" will be our national poem.

The Wreck of The Edmund FitzGerald will be played at least once a day on every radio station in the United States.

My friend Janet O will be our National Librarian.

No child will go to a falling down, crumbling school with 20 year old texts.

No books will be banned... except those by Jim DeFelice, L. Ron Hubbard, and Tim LaHaye.

Additional Star Wars movies will be banned.

When I am King, those damned shoes with the wheels in the heels that all the kids are wearing all over the place, will be banned. The punishment for wearing those shoes will be the execution of one parent.

I will have a seriously boss uniform... with epaulettes!

Single parents will be provided subsidised daycare for their children. Everyone will pay for the service, but cost will be detrmined by ability to pay.

When I am King, the armed forces will be made up of a professional cadre of volunteers and draftees that will be required to serve for three years of active duty. All male citizens will be subject to military service, at need, until age 55. Women will be exempt from the draft, but will be allowed to volunteer for service.

Cheryl Burke will be the official ballroom dancer of the United States.

When I am King, television shows like Beauty and The Geek will be banned. This group of shows will include The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Wife Swap, America's Got Talent, The Flavor of Love, The Amazing Race, Survivor... and basically any other reality shows except for "Dancing with The Stars" and "American Idol".

When I am King, no radio station that calls itself "Smooth Jazz" will be allowed to play any songs recorded by Donnie Hathaway, or any other artist that can be described as a "soul" or "R&B" singer or band. Likewise, "Smooth Jazz" stations will not play any Steely Dan music.

When I am King, no radio station that calls itself a rock & roll station, will play any Van Morrison music, except for the exceptionally tedious "Brown Eyed Girl". From now on, all Van Morrison music will be played where it belongs... on the jazz stations (or folk, in some cases).

When I am King, The President of France will get the first official invitation for a State visit.

I will still vacation at Disney World

When I am King, college athletes will have to take a full load of courses, and if they aren't academically level with their year groups, they will be dismissed from school.

When I am King, Suzanne Summers, Billy Mays, Billy Blanks, and Tony Little will be banned from doing infomercials.

When I am King, Ken Martin will be my personal chaplain.

When I am King, Grillz and 'do rags will be banned.

When I am King, The Theme From Superman will be played when I make official entries.

When I am King, The District of Columbia will become the Federal City (although much smaller) the rest of it will be ceded back to Maryland. Residents of The Federal City will pay no federal taxes. They will be able to vote for President, but have no voice in Congress.

When I am King, there will be no leniency for drug offenses... this includes marijuana and other "Gateway Drugs" (I lost a sister to heroin... there is no give in me on this issue)

These are just a few of the benevolent policies I will enforce.

Can you feel me?



Zanne said...


O Hail my Epauletted Kilted King!!!!!!!!!

Bent Fabric said...

ROFLMAO!!! I feel you. What will happen to George W.?

Dumb question, but what the heck are Grillz?

Bent Fabric said...

Nevermind. I Googled it. Ick!

Gunfighter said...

No comments about GWB bent.

Some comments like that are cinsidered a crime here.

Tasha said...

I'm with you on 99% of that!

Leslie said...

I just had to ask Dave the other day what Grillz were.

Great post! You really had me laughing.

WordsRock said...

Hmmm. A somewhat benevolent king you'll be.

So what's up with the Edmund Fitzgerald obsession? Great tune, but every station every day? I dunno.

PS: Please don't execute Jennifer Anniston.

the only daughter said...

If you execute Paula Abdul-who would you have as third wheel on American Idol?

What would your kingdom be called?

Gunfighter said...


Please rise... I have a Bishopric in mind for you.


Glad you enjoyed,


Jennifer Anniston has to go. However, since I like you, I'll spare her life on the condition that she stays out of all of the tabloid magazines and off the television... I needn't make a decree about her movies because they all suck and no one wants to see them.

Regarding the Edmund FitzGerlad... I love that song.... when you are a King, thats the only reason you need!


I suppose you are right. b I would miss her chemical induced slurring and crying if she were gone.


JMK said...

It would appear someone is not happy with the current state of executive branch affairs in this fair country... But only a guess really.

I think I could go for 95% of this, though I'd amend the Federal City statute. The area from the Lincoln Memorial to the Capital and from the White House to the Jefferson would be declared a federal enclave. No one could reside in it, except the President. The remainder of D.C. would be granted statehood and the federal government would have to lease land from the State of Columbia (or whatever it would be called) just like they do for their federal sites in other states. The vice president would have to pay exorbitant rent for the Naval Observatory mansion. That's all.

Oh, wait. When you're king there probably won't be a Veep, will there? By the way, where will you rule from? I just wanna know now so I can book my tickets to your investiture.

Grimm said...

And every week there will be a demonstration of blowing something up as to show the world what happens when you oppose the king.

And every Thursday is must-see TV as they show T.J. Hooker, Boston Legal, Rescue 911 and Star Trek.

Ah...good times.

WenWhit said...

May I petition His Highness to whack Terrell Owens as well?

Gunfighter said...

Done, Wendy!

Janet said...

National Libarian! YAY I win! Thanks, Bill, and may I say you're going to be a stylin' king.

Lawyer Mama said...

Can I live in your kingdom? LOL!

I just have one request - could you perhaps keep Mathew McC. alive & maybe just put him in a cage for my viewing pleasure, with perhaps the proviso that no flash photography be allowed?

Gunfighter said...

Sorry, LM... Matthew has to go.

Save your pictures.

lisa said...

Here you go, your Majesty.
Your theme

Queen of the Mayhem said...

This post made me laugh out loud! No one can EVER accuse you of not having goals in life! I think my favorite was the Superman theme song played every time you enter. I think everyone needs a theme song!

PS: Vacations at Disney World EVERY summer? I may need to join the Gunfighter famiy! :)

Janet said...

I would like you to add a rule for me. Make it a law that all parents know how to spell AND pronounce any name they give their children. That's what I would do if I ruled the world.