Things are going to be different in this country.... you can bet your ass on that!
When I am King...
Susan will be our National Historian.
Condi Rice will have to go away. Far away.
The United States will be signatory to the Kyoto accords.
I'll wear a kilt pretty much every day.
The following persons will be executed: Justin Timberlake, Madonna, Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Anniston, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, The Olsen twins, Snoop Dogg, Dr. Dre, Diddy, Jared Leto, Pam Anderson, Kid Rock, Matthew McConnoughey (sp?), and Paula Abdul.
At least one Regiment in the U.S. Army will wear kilts... even in combat.
No AK 47-styled rifle will be legal for import into the United States. We don't need that poorly-made Commie crap here!
DARPA will have, as it's first priority, the mission of designing a practical, viable, relatively easy-to-produce hydrgen automobile engine. Said design will then be given, free of charge, to all U.S. auto makers. The internal combustion engine for personal automibiles will be proscribed 5 years after that.
There will be no organized prayer or moments of silence in public schools.
All parents will be encouraged to take personal responsibility for the religious training of their own children.
Rugby will replace football in all aspects (local, high-school, collegiate, and professional). Players that grandstand will be imprisoned.
People who abuse children will be executed. No parole, no counseling, no second chances, no rehabilitation.
See the above for men who abuse women. Likewise for all sex offenders.
Nancy Grace will never darken the television again, nor will Larry King.
Rogue athletes will be imprisoned, alongside of rogue politicians cops and clergy.
There will be a pogrom against loopy, Southern Baptist, fundamentalist, snake-handling churches.
The Republican party will be outlawed.
William Shatner will have a standing invitation to the White House any time he wants.
The Confederate flag will be removed from all public property... damned traitors!
My blogging pals will get massive tax breaks.
Corporations will pay their fair share of taxes.
Marriage will be between one man and one woman... or between a man and a man, or two women, or two men and one woman, whatever... married people will pay married taxes.
Texans will have to remain in Texas... but there will be exceptions for eb, Kelley, and a very few others.
Puerto Rico will be granted statehood if a referundum passes such a measure. Failing such a referendum, Puerto Rico will be freed from it's Commonwealth status and will be on it's own forevermore.
Guam and other U.S. Commonwealths will be given the opportunity for Statehood. If they decline, we will wish them good luck and send them on their merry way.
Japan and Europe will have to start paying for more of their onw security.
The United States will support the independence of Taiwan... militarily, if we have to.
"The Raven" will be our national poem.
The Wreck of The Edmund FitzGerald will be played at least once a day on every radio station in the United States.
My friend Janet O will be our National Librarian.
No child will go to a falling down, crumbling school with 20 year old texts.
No books will be banned... except those by Jim DeFelice, L. Ron Hubbard, and Tim LaHaye.
Additional Star Wars movies will be banned.
When I am King, those damned shoes with the wheels in the heels that all the kids are wearing all over the place, will be banned. The punishment for wearing those shoes will be the execution of one parent.
I will have a seriously boss uniform... with epaulettes!
Single parents will be provided subsidised daycare for their children. Everyone will pay for the service, but cost will be detrmined by ability to pay.
When I am King, the armed forces will be made up of a professional cadre of volunteers and draftees that will be required to serve for three years of active duty. All male citizens will be subject to military service, at need, until age 55. Women will be exempt from the draft, but will be allowed to volunteer for service.
Cheryl Burke will be the official ballroom dancer of the United States.
When I am King, television shows like Beauty and The Geek will be banned. This group of shows will include The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Wife Swap, America's Got Talent, The Flavor of Love, The Amazing Race, Survivor... and basically any other reality shows except for "Dancing with The Stars" and "American Idol".
When I am King, no radio station that calls itself "Smooth Jazz" will be allowed to play any songs recorded by Donnie Hathaway, or any other artist that can be described as a "soul" or "R&B" singer or band. Likewise, "Smooth Jazz" stations will not play any Steely Dan music.
When I am King, no radio station that calls itself a rock & roll station, will play any Van Morrison music, except for the exceptionally tedious "Brown Eyed Girl". From now on, all Van Morrison music will be played where it belongs... on the jazz stations (or folk, in some cases).
When I am King, The President of France will get the first official invitation for a State visit.
I will still vacation at Disney World
When I am King, college athletes will have to take a full load of courses, and if they aren't academically level with their year groups, they will be dismissed from school.
When I am King, Suzanne Summers, Billy Mays, Billy Blanks, and Tony Little will be banned from doing infomercials.
When I am King, Ken Martin will be my personal chaplain.
When I am King, Grillz and 'do rags will be banned.
When I am King, The Theme From Superman will be played when I make official entries.
When I am King, The District of Columbia will become the Federal City (although much smaller) the rest of it will be ceded back to Maryland. Residents of The Federal City will pay no federal taxes. They will be able to vote for President, but have no voice in Congress.
When I am King, there will be no leniency for drug offenses... this includes marijuana and other "Gateway Drugs" (I lost a sister to heroin... there is no give in me on this issue)
These are just a few of the benevolent policies I will enforce.
Can you feel me?